(reporting by P.Curran)
The Kerry Media Mafia (KMM) met in emergency session earlier this evening in Killarney following the Spillanegate disaster which has thrown their covert Operation Dubshaft into disarray.
The Operation was conceived last November in Dingle during the 30 nights of mourning event which takes place in the years following a Dublin All Ireland win – so basically three in every four years. Aware that there was no hope of reeling in the Dubs on the field of play, the backroom team of ex-players and some hilariously funny writers set about a plan to each systematically take out a Dublin player.
I was allowed into a room blindfolded ahead of their meeting this evening where some agreed to speak to me on condition of either unanimity or the use of ridiculous false names. It is an intriguing tale of increasing desperation …
The first member I spoke to, who insisted I identify him only by the ridiculous nickname of Bomber explained. “Yerra we haven’t a feckin hope only to take them boys out of it altogether like. We hatched a number of plans to remove them over the Spring and early Summer one by one. The League was a bit of a disaster. We had a great plan of getting six or seven of them stuck on Skellig Michael for a couple of months during a Star Wars tour that went wrong - but didn’t they send down their third team. And we couldn’t even bate them.”
Billy takes up the shtory – “I was given the task of getting a shmall amount of mushtard gas into one of their lads’ shponsored cars. He gives three or four lads a lift to training and the idea was to set their training back a few months, nothing too lethal. Anyways I got the wrong car and those three old ladies haven’t been back to bingo since.”
The main thrust of the Operation was to be an intensive media campaign which was to highlight every miniscule incident involving a Dublin player. Jacko explains, “We have men planted everywhere - TV, papers, radio. We even have a few halfwits across social media and blogs etc who are not from Kerry so as to throw people off the scent. Lads who love the sound of their own voices and who have achieved nothing. We didn’t like using such amateurs but they aren’t from the Kingdom so that clinched it. It is easy to recruit these lads online as they have low intelligence and are so bitter towards Dublin they will say and do anything.”
Johnno takes up the story. “We agreed to give Spillane the first opportunity for two reasons. One it would get rid of him and he wouldn’t be at any more meetings sticking his hand up and shouting ‘me, me, me, me!’. But also, we figured that O’Rourke as a Meathman wouldn’t be able to resist wading into a Dub either - so that would give our plan further neutral weight. Anyhow Connolly got involved in a few handbags against Carlow and bingo – part one worked like a dream. Spillane got apoplectic as only Spillane can. I hadn’t see him go as red with the vessels popping since he missed that penalty in Superstars 40 years ago. Quirkey had written the relevant rules down Spillane’s shirtsleeves and the sanctions and Pat read them chapter and verse. His performance was almost too good. But we nailed our man for 12 weeks. Then the plan came spectacularly unstuck.”
Tomas explained. “We had targeted Philly for Match II and had our plan in place and our man embedded when next thing Philly wasn’t picked. It was decided to rejig our schedule and a meeting was called for Dingle on the Sunday for a few jars to celebrate Dermo’s suspension and work out the next phase. Spillane arrived like the cat that got the cream and everyone was buying him pints.”
Marc continued, “We watched the Dublin annihilation of Westmeath and there was despair. The plan would have to be stepped up. Yerra there was some crazy drink talk about getting Cluxton’s fingers caught in doors and kidnapping Fenton and injecting fellas with caffeine and the like. It was mad. Next thing the Sunday Game came on and the game was up!”
“We just hadn’t factored in the Brolly factor”, said Daragh. “He literally grabbed Spillane’s scruples by the collar and flung them around the studio. Then Dainty Dessie waded in and Spillane went white as a sheet. Only Dancing Des was trying to save him but he was holed below the waterline by then. For the first time in my life I saw Spillane speechless. Brolly was just blowing the smoke of his metaphoric gun and putting it back in his holster while Pat sat there … as they say in Dublin … bleedin’ … bleedin’ awful."
It was also abundantly clear that the brilliant military mind of James Gavin had already seen through the mischievous ruse. Outflanking the Kerry Media Mafia on the battle front he immediately imposed a broadcast media ban – effectively neutering an already limp organ and cutting off one of their main supply lines. A Dublin source said, “A eunuch isn’t worth a f … as we all know.”
So for now the dastardly deeds of the KMM have been rendered impotent and it is unclear what the next point of attack will be. But you can be sure that ex-serviceman Gavin will be ready for any despicable and foul schemes that others may try to visit on his troops. He gave 20 years of his life to protecting people. He isn’t going to stop now.