A well known newspaper with a red top has apparently honey-trapped a top Dublin GAA official known only as JC - and in an undercover sting has uncovered explosive details regarding the county’s funding. The story is set to break this Sunday but some details have already leaked …
Reporter: So how much money does Dublin get?
JC: Well under special arranagments with HQ we get €50m.
Reporter: €50m?? For Dublin??
JC: No, no - €50m for the Northside and another €50m for the Southside.
Reporter: And what is that used for?
JC: Well we bought all the lads a Jacuzzi for their bathrooms – important for recovery and that if you follow me. I got one myself but that was part of ‘the deal’ …
Reporter: That’s a lot of Jacuzzis. What is the position regarding transport.
JC (laughs): Yes some counties have bought a bus I heard but that’s a bit rural to be honest. We have invested in a small jet but have yet to make that public. It’s great for the winter and summer training camps and the cryogenic chambers in Poland. And then of course the many holidays the lads get. We often hop on and just say to the pilot ‘Surprise us’.
Reporter: Are cars not good enough for ye?
JC: Haha of course they are. In fact our sponsors have provided 30 brand new 5 series BMWs with tomtom Satnav of course, because us fecking Dubs don’t know how to get to anywhere outside the capital.
Reporter: One for each player??
JC (laughs): No, no. They are for the backroom staff. The players all got state of the art S class Mercedes – with Satnav also obviously. Ha ha.
Reporter: I suppose you also get funded for coaching?
JC: Well it’s difficult in Dublin to compete with other sports. So in a bid to win those all important tiny hearts and minds we get funding to send every child in third class and a parent to Disneyland for a few days.
Reporter: You send every kid to Paris???
JC: No, no … to Florida.
Reporter: That’s obscene. I suppose they all get plenty of bibs and sliothars too?
JC: Ah yeah – it’s important that they have the right equipment. They also get kit bags, tracksuits, hoodies, which are a Dublin fashion statement as you know, ha ha, fleeces and we buy them their communion gear as well. It’s important that these kids look well at all times if they are representing THE brand.
Reporter: Do your players get paid?
JC: Absolutely not. Fortunately many of our lads are students but luckily the academic side of things only lasts half an hour a day leaving them plenty of time to train and rest. The others are unfortunately not working at the moment so the €2,500 weekly expenses and then paying their mortgages and credit card bills give them great peace of mind. To be honest it does help their football.
Reporter: Do you not think Dublin have an unfair advantage over others?
JC: Good God no! There is loads to do in this city. The zoo, nightclubs, soccer, rugby, shops, cinemas, museums, libraries. This is not a backwater where there is nothing to do but play GAA. We have to work hard to get people on board – and I’m not talking jet here. We need incentives and are happy that HQ assist with this and our generous sponsors too. Otherwise we would simply not be able to hoover up all the silverware. Hey! Are you recording this …