A psychic dwarf has escaped from the Joy. Gardai are looking for a small medium at large.
My new girlfriend is a real grammar Nazi. We were on holiday last week and I wrote ‘there’ instead of ‘their’ on a postcard. And off she went and blew up a fukken synagogue!
Are you Myers?
Are you Myers?
Are you Myers in disguise?
The Secret Service has changed the protocol when the President is in danger. Instead of yelling ‘get down’, they have to shout ‘Donald, duck’!
The jack’s roll we use to get in the army had oifig on tslothair written on it and was like tracing paper. We called it Rambo as it was tough and tough and took no shit.
Ha, I remember that saying! Then there was the one about calling a teacher ‘Royco’…
Edinburgh Festival Funniest joke shortlist below - I won’t tell ye the winner yet (voting is finished) - most good IMO but I’d pick 5 first followed closely by 4!
"I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated."
"I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark."
"Combine Harvesters. And you’ll have a really big restaurant."
"I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?"
"I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house."
"As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer."
"Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book."
"I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died… which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine."
"I’m rubbish with names. It’s not my fault, it’s a condition. There’s a name for it…"
"I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change."
"I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act."
"I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her.“
"For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don’t want to do it.“
"Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences.’ I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!”'
"A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men’s singles event.”
8 - brilliant
Good to see BB fully focused for the crunch on Sunday…
Paddy says to his wife my bum hole is burning me and I’ve no idea what it is. His wife says “ring sting” paddy says .How the ■■■■ will he know
whats beethoven’s favourite food?
Two old men fishing in a remote part of West Cork. One turns to the other and says “Mayo have lost again”. The other replies “How do you know?” and he answers “Its a quarter past five!”
this minor road walks into a bar, cute little thing.
before she knows it she is being chatted up by two roads
"what do you think of me, eh? Dual carraigeway all the way, four lanes, loads of traffic, pretty hard, yeah?"
“here, dont listen to him, im way tougher” says the other one "motorway. 120kph, connecting cities, freeflow intercchages!! Nobody is as tough or as hard as me!"
as they’re bragging this little bit of red tarmack comes into the bar, asks for a drink.
the motorway and dual carriageway go quiet, stare at their shoes, shuffle nervously till the bit of red tarmack leaves.
“i thought you two were tough and hard. you looked yellow cowards there with him”
“listen”, says the motorway, “we’re tough - but he’s a cyclepath!”
“This is the nine o’clock news, and in tonight’s headlines, human remains have been found in Cork…”