The jokes thread.... Don't be afraid to muck it up!



Patient: Doctor, I’m terrified of needles. Is it ok if I administer my own anaesthetic?

Doctor: Go ahead. Knock yourself out.




“Why are you eating a cheese, tomato, ham and pineapple bun?”
“That’s Hawaii roll”



I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called ‘out-of-the-blue’ to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that “old magic”.

“Wow!” I was flabbergasted.

“I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now”, I said, “I’m a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don’t really have the energy I used to have.”

She just giggled and said she was sure I would “rise to the challenge”.

“Yeah.” I said. “Just so long as you don’t mind a waistline that’s a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone…everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!”

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, “I’ve put on a few pounds myself!”

So I told her to ■■■■ off.



Just bought a book from IKEA…




How do Eskimo’s avoid slipping on ice?

They grit their teeth.



What’s that from? The one above is amusing as well, ‘Caravans, gutted’




She says to me, "What’s that on my chin?’’
“Another chin”. Says I. (Ducking)


Ok I’m going out west


I’ve heard that town referred to as “Bellend” :sweat_smile:

THAT would have been some headline!




Dunno there could be a real market for that.