The jokes thread.... Don't be afraid to muck it up!


#601


#602

Patient: Doctor, I’m terrified of needles. Is it ok if I administer my own anaesthetic?

Doctor: Go ahead. Knock yourself out.


#603


#604


#605

“Why are you eating a cheese, tomato, ham and pineapple bun?”
“That’s Hawaii roll”


#606


#607

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called ‘out-of-the-blue’ to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that “old magic”.

“Wow!” I was flabbergasted.

“I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now”, I said, “I’m a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don’t really have the energy I used to have.”

She just giggled and said she was sure I would “rise to the challenge”.

“Yeah.” I said. “Just so long as you don’t mind a waistline that’s a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone…everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!”

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, “I’ve put on a few pounds myself!”

So I told her to ■■■■ off.


#608


#609

Just bought a book from IKEA…


#610

Ha!


#611

How do Eskimo’s avoid slipping on ice?

They grit their teeth.


#612


#613

What’s that from? The one above is amusing as well, ‘Caravans, gutted’


#614

IMG-20190204-WA0001


#615

She says to me, "What’s that on my chin?’’
“Another chin”. Says I. (Ducking)


#616

Ok I’m going out west


#617

I’ve heard that town referred to as “Bellend” :sweat_smile:

THAT would have been some headline!


#618


#619


#620

Dunno there could be a real market for that.