The jokes thread.... Don't be afraid to muck it up!



Our local intellectual is an existentionalist. He is also dyslexic . On many occasions he has pondered if Dog really exists.


As old as the bleedin hills! :smile:

Dyslexic atheist with insomnia - used to lie awake all night wondering was their really such a thing as a dog.


I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend this morning who called ‘out-of-the-blue’ to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that “old magic”.

“Wow!” I was flabbergasted.

“I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now”, I said, “I’m a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don’t really have the energy I used to have.”
She just giggled and said she was sure I would “rise to the challenge”.
“Yeah.” I said. “Just so long as you don’t mind a waistline that’s a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone…everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!”

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, bald, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, “I’ve put on a few pounds myself!”

So I told her to ■■■■ off.


So the new Limerick manager sent scouts out around the world looking for new forwards to replace his old and decrepit players hoping to win the All-Ireland final. One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi GAA player who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. The manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.

Two weeks later, Limerick are 4-10 to 1-10 down to Galway with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi lad the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 4 goals in 20 minutes and amazingly wins the game for Limerick.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first game in the Championship.

-“Hello mum, guess what? I played for 20 minutes today, we were 3 goals down but I scored 4 and we won! Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.”

But the mom isn’t very impressed- " Wonderful! Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time."

The young lad is very upset "What can I say mum, but I’m so sorry :frowning: "

  • “Sorry?! You’re sorry??? It’s your fault we moved to Limerick!!”


The wife was insisting that I stop doing my flamingo impressions…
I had to put the foot down.


Two 90 year old men, Pat and Tom, have been friends all of their lives. When its clear that Pat is dying, Tom visits him every day. One day Tom says, "Pat, we both loved hurling all our lives, and we played through all the ranks, right up from U-12 together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if theres hurling played up there." Pat looks up at Tom from his death bed, “Tom, youve been my best friend for many years. If its at all possible, I`ll do this favour for you.”

Shortly after that, Pat passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Tom is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him.

“Tom, Tom.”

“Who is it?” asks Tom sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Tom it`s me, Pat.”

“You`re not Pat. Pat just died.”

“Im telling you, its me, Pat,” insists the voice.

“Pat! Where are you?”

“In heaven”, replies Pat. "I have some really good news and a little bad news.

“Tell me the good news first,” says Tom.

“The good news,” Pat says, “Is that theres Hurling in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here too. Better than that, were all young again. Better still, its always spring time and it never rains or snows, so theres no need for cancelled fixtures. And best of all, we can play all we want, and we never get tired…”

"Thats fantastic," says Tom. "Its beyond my wildest dreams!

So what could possibly be the bad news?"

“You`re starting corner-forward on Tuesday evening.”


At school one day, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to use the word “contagious” in a sentence…

Cindy raises her hand. “Yes, Cindy?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.”

“Very good, Cindy!” the teacher said, “Anyone else want to try?” Samantha raises her hand. “Yes, Samantha?” She answers, “My dad tells me not to yawn because then everybody else yawns. He says yawning is contagious.”

“Excellent work, Samantha! Very creative,” the teacher praises. “Okay, one more volunteer.” Little Johnny raises his hand. “Yes, Johnny?”

“Well,” he says, “I was helping my dad in the yard last week, and we saw the neighbor painting his house. He was using a small brush, so I asked my dad, ‘Daddy, why is he using such a small brush?’ and he says, ‘I don’t know son, but it’s gonna take that cünt-ages.’”


That’s so old it’s a listed joke


just like you Al! :grin:



Paddy, an Irish dyslexic, was at the winter Olympics when he asked a guy who was carry a sled “Are you in the bobsleigh?”. The man replied “No, I am a tabogganist.”
“Ah, Ok,” said Paddy… “Can I have 20 Major, please, and a box of matches?”



A man was eaten by a shark while on honeymoon , he didn’t suffer much . . . he was only married 10 days


Paranoia, don’t let it worry you. It’s behind you.


My wife complained that I don’t notice her enough.
So, I bought her a high viz jacket.




Very nasty fight in the local off-licence last night…
Claret everywhere.


I’ve trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine. He’s a Bordeaux collie.