The jokes thread.... Don't be afraid to muck it up!


Jack : I love you so much I could never live without you.
Jill : Is that you or the beer talking?
Jack : It’s me and I’m talking to the beer.


My mate has swallowed some Lego. The doctor’s aren’t too worried, but he’s shitting bricks


A man walks into a bar with a salamander on his shoulder.
He says “I’ll have a pint for me and a half for Tiny”. The barman asks “Tiny?”. The man nods towards the salamander and says “He’s my newt”


My uncle was crushed by a piano; his funeral was very low key.

My sister has just married a Chinese billionaire… Cha Ching!

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; it was riveting.


What goes “bum-da-tish, bum-da-tish”? A dyslexic drummer


Ha - only got this now after seven hours!


So very brave to admit that! :smile:

Anyway, just came back from visiting in a nursing home, and I asked an old lady was she bed ridden since she got there. She said “yes, by the porter, but he prefers me on the couch”…

So for those of you that don’t know me. I’ve a pretty dark sense of humour!


Cos it was about porter?


That’s a stout question young man!


Had the old lady got an ale-ment?


Jaysus Beeko, that’s brewtal


My laptop keeps playing “Someone Like You” over and over again.
It’s probably because it’s a Dell.


Mayo for Sam 2017


Boom Boom



Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.



I tried to find that channel… but the autotuna didn’t work.


I had an unemployed dwarf do a bit of casual work for me; he asked to be paid under the table.


I employed him and his boss one Saturday. Paid them time and a half.