Ya can’t really take the piss out of someone that’s playing like his POTY elect. It’s like asking Donnie trump not to tweet.
If The Aidster pulls out a top performance today he may have cast off the shackles for good, well, if Mayo win too!
A Christmas tale? Perhaps …
Go on! I saw ‘mammy’ kissing Santa claus
‘C’mon lads we’ll be late – hurry up. Conor give Aidan some of that Brylcreem – look at the fecking state of his head.’
‘Leave me alone - It’s the fashion Ma – mullets are go!’
Jesus I hate Christmas! Now it’s all kicking off with Shamie and Ma.
“I’m thirty feckin two - why do I have to go to midnight mass?”
“As long as you’re in this house, eating my turkey and using my curling tongs you’ll go to mass. If them O’Connors can still be serving on the altar then you can be going and saying a few prayers. Anyways ye all look great in the new Arran jumpers and I want to show off my boys.” Mammy. She’s great.
“Prayers?” said the oul lad, waking up and not long back from going out for the papers at four. “Prayers? Well by the good sweet Lord and baby Jesus but even having Knock in the county hasn’t made a blind bit of difference to Mayo so I can’t see what a few prayers will do. We could be in feckin’ Lourdes and we’d still not even win the FBD.”
Mammy shot him a withering look. The look that says ‘If you don’t button it and get off your hole you’ll be having the Christmas dinner through a straw.’ He jumped up – smacking Conor in the back which caused him to rub Brylcreem in his eyes. It was hilarious. He was jumping around saying ‘My eyes, my eyes – they’re on fire.’ I said ‘You should rub some on your feet then before you play a match!’ Shamie laughed heartily – Mammy even grinned but pretended not to.
I hate Christmas Eve. Ever since my 21st when Shamie told me there was no Santa I have never enjoyed it. Once the Toy Show is over that’s Christmas done for me. And Ryan Tubridy is a gobshite too. Never ever replied to my letters to go on the show. As Daddy often says, they have all manner of nobodies on that show yet they won’t have the biggest and best one of all.
At least it was a short year and a fairly successful one too as we didn’t get beaten by the Dubs. I was in a club in Crossmolina in August and this arsehole starting abusing me. So I said to him ‘look at all the money I saved you this year you feckin’ eejit – not having to go to Croker at all’. He soon changed his tune and poured the drink into me for the night. Jesus we were well tanked. I tried to shift his girlfriend but he was having none of it. Turned out it was his sister.
I told Mammy I was thinking of going to Dublin to study or work in the New Year. She nearly had a heart attack. We had the doctor up and he did all kinds of tests and he told us she had a variation of aids but not as serious – it was called Aidos. She didn’t want to let me go. She’s great. Daddy was more supportive. He said it would be good for me to open my mind and that there was a first time for everything - so that was good. Conor already baggseyed the top bunk over Shamie.
I had rang my good mate Dermo to see if I could play with him if I went to Dublin. I heard his club has lots of country lads and if Varley can get a game, then … I still wear Dermo’s shirt every night instead of pyjamas. Mammy goes mad because my legs do be cold and it’s very tight on my chest - and it hasn’t ever been washed. I can actually smell Dermo off it. Gas - and lovely too.
Dermo didn’t call back but anyway he texted me a number to ring. So I got onto this lad from Finian’s in Newcastle who got promoted this year and he said they were looking for a few subs so that could be good. He said if I transferred to them I would be at my level and that they would also wear red and green. That was very sound of him.
I was actually in Dublin during the Summer picking up the Mayo Nurses in Dublin Hairstyle of the Year Award and I bumped into Dean Rock. He was very nice and even gave me a GPS so I wouldn’t get lost. I said I’d send it back to him but he said not to bother as he got it off a Mayo lad anyway.
But it all got me thinking that if I was playing club football in Dublin I might as well go the whole hog and play intercounty for them. Imagine what I would bring to the table. They could become the best team in Ireland with me. I have always thought their midfield was light. They had a young lad called Fenton who I think is a flash in the pan. It’s not easy to become an intercounty superstar - I know. And this kid has suffered. Just last week he was playing in a team that lost to Meath – ha. Meath. He clearly will not make it – so I’m thinking of letting them have me.
The biggest problem is Mammy. She always says that we bleed green and red. One time Shamie said that must be a nose bleed and she went ballistic. But she’s great. I don’t know if I could play for Jim Gavin though. He seems like the kind of guy who is in charge of everything and knows what he’s doing. I doubt I’d be able to tell Jim how to run things like training and team selection. Now that would be strange.
Cluxton worries me too. Could I play with a robot? We had great craic with our goalies and our own Stephen. The night before any All Ireland semi or final we would all put a post-it on our heads with a keeper’s name and whichever keeper got the most got to play. It was great because it meant an All Star for the other one.
Anyway it’s all ahead of me and I can think of it over Christmas … but for now, I have to finish this letter.
I don’t really believe in you but just in case. Danny Healy Rae says there are fairies and who knows but there is one thing I would really like if you are listening to me. I don’t even want my present until another nine months. Anyhow, back in 1951 this priest said …
Nollaig Shona Daoibh go léir …
You could write for Ireland’s Own with that talent. Your best work yet @DUB09. Maith an fearr!
Great stuff sir!
that’s the greatest Christmas story ever told. We need to collate these into a short story pdf for download.
You mean collate them and send them onto a publisher! Thats brilliant
Yeah I’ll design it!
Who Santa Claus?
Was about to comment on the same part. It’s all great, but that part is fantastic! Well done sir!
A brilliant read and brought a smile to my face.
If Rory’s Stories can do it…and he’s from M**th!!!
At least it was a short year and a fairly successful one too as we didn’t get beaten by the Dubs.